Me + You = Not friends unless I can bully you

Today is "Stop bullying day" or some shit along those lines. Everyone wears a pink shirt to support anti-bullying. Yeah. That's cool. If you're a chick. If I see a man wearing a pink anti-bullying shirt, I'm going to bully him.

I made a joke about bullying children on a certain social network that shalt not be named, and a woman got on the defense because she has children who are bullied. Yes, maybe the joke was in poor taste. Let's face it, most of my jokes are in poor taste. Does it make them any less funny? GOD no. It makes them funnier.

Listen here, Lady. I'm going to bully you if you don't get off my case.

I was bullied in school. Everyone was bullied in school. I'm not advocating bullying and I know there are terrible things happening (kids committing suicide, setting schools ablaze with gun fire, etc) but come on. Just let me make the jokes I want to make. I don't tell you not to make the crappy knock knock jokes you probably make. I wouldn't do that, because I'm just such a nice person.

Everyone needs to quit being so sensitive. I'll call you fat, you'll say my eyes are too far apart, we'll have a good chuckle, and then we'll call it a day. How does that sound, Nancy?
Either you agree with me, or you're too scared to say anything because you're living in crippling fear of me bullying you. Both completely acceptable answers.

You. Your panties. Untwist them. Thank you.

Wanna know how much I love you? This many.

Valentine's Day is for lovers and fools alike. A day to throw caution to the wind and profess your love to the one you adore. Exchanges of sweets, doilie covered cards and french kisses. These things are wonderful, aren't they? But, like most things, there's a catch. Sure, these things are wonderful, but wonderful to whom? Me? Well, this year I'm pretty impartial. Surprising, I know. When there's something to be hated, I usually jump on the bandwagon pretty quickly. Being a neutral party, I've decided to analyze the situation they call "Saint Valentine".

Again, I myself am not pro-Valentine's Day, nor am I bitter about it either. I'm not the most romantic gal in the world, so even if I was head-over-heels in love with my soul mate, I still probably wouldn't be pro-Valentine's Day. But don't worry, I'm not. Cupid had more important things to do like fundraising for MS and fixing his mother's garbage disposal. No worries, Cupid. Catchya next year maybe?

Now, I was racking my brain trying to figure out what to get you. You mean a lot to me, having been there for me these past few months. Reading my ridiculous ramblings and still liking me for it. So I took a trip to Walmart and this just jumped out at me...

And then I thought, "If one is this awesome... What would happen if..."

"...I got you a whole bunch?"

Maybe you'll appreciate (in unison) 12 dancing and singing Valentine's Day dogs more than Walmart employees do.

After much deliberation, I decided against the dogs and settled on something everyone can enjoy. A homemade, straight from the heart, construction paper Valentine.

You're welcome.

Now, whether you're happy in a relationship, happy alone, or miserable in either situation, I wish you a happy day.

HEART CHELS! XOXO