I just sang "Christmas is sleigh bells, that just can't go to sleep."

Merry Christmas friends! What a wonderful time of year, isn't it? I love everything about it, except snow, slush, wet, cold, malls, buying Christmas presents, wrapping Christmas presents, giving away Christmas presents, U2 Christmas songs, the colour red, and crippling loneliness and depression. Wait, what?

I know I said I don't like giving Christmas presents, but if there's one thing I do enjoy, it's receiving them. If you are drawing a blank for gift ideas for yours truly, here are some things on my wish list.
- rocket powered shoes for getting places faster
- Willow Smith's new album to listen to while I'm getting places faster
- deodorant so I don't smell when I get there
- track ball to play with my friends
- to be bit by a radio active spider. But the kind that give you super powers, not brain tumours.

As your Christmas present, I would like to tell all of you individually, a few things that make me love you. Key words: I would like to. I really would. But as it so happens, not only do I not love most of you, but I try not to make a habit of saying nice things to people.
But, tis the season to not be an asshole and junk, so here is a handful of the most notable:

Chuck Norris; You have taught me everything I know about roundhouse kicks, kicking through wind shields, and owning facial hair. I wouldn't be the same without you. Chuck Norris is in fact, the real Slim Shady.

Jesus; for all that cool stuff you did. Holla at a Caucasian.

Older Sister Number One; I love you because you made 6 year old me sing the man parts in Phantom of the Opera. And for setting up this here blog for me. If it weren't for you, me poisoning everyones mind would not be at all possible. Thanks big sister.

OIder Sister Number Two; I love you because you shot a snot rocket that stretched about two feet, while we were doing the dishes. I also love you because we played hair ball-ceiling fan-volley ball.

Papa Dunny; I love you because you go out to buy hot dogs, come home, and realize that you forgot to buy hot dogs. I also love the way you order Chinese food in a Chinese accent. "Numbuh wohhhn, chicken fly lice." I'm sure we ate their spit on numerous occasions. Oh and that first belch in the morning to alert the world that you are awake. That really pulls the old heart strings.

Best friend; I love the way you never know any of the words but you still sing. And your superior one toned whistling skills. You are the Chuck D to my Flava Flav.

The cast of Jersey Shore; just for being you.

Carlos Dragon; for believing that I have Justin Bieber on my facebook. "We totally facebook chat like every day."

And last but certainly not least, Myself; I love myself because I walk into walls, spill my food and drinks all over myself and everything around me, lose my train of thought mid-joke (my native name when I was a kid was "One who can't tell a joke"), say off beat things that make conversations awkward, my wonderful way with words (I am a word-smith, self proclaimed) and how I look exactly like Kim Kardashian (also self proclaimed). I am a self proclaimed Proclaimer.

I'm on my weeeee...

I apologize if you did not make the short list, no hard feelings, I'm just not very nice. Leave your name in a comment, and I'll be sure to tell you why I love you. Or like you. Or can stand you.

Merry Christmas fuckers