These are the Daves I know I know, these are the Daves I know

Dave's head was baked in a muffin tray.





It was this photo alone that inspired me to write this ugly kid blog. To all of the people who claim that "I don't have any bad childhood photos. I was just so cute." you can suck my ass. Give me a half an hour at your mom's house and I'm sure I could prove you wrong and rustle up some sort of boy in drag photo or vagina shot. We all have them, and the sooner you embrace the fact that, you too, were probably an ugly kid, the better off we'll all be. I'll have it known that if you weren't an ugly kid, you are no longer my friend.

Let's get down to business, shall we?

From one to ten on the weird kid crapping in her pants scale, this is a hard ten. Poor Dave mistook "Alright kid, smile." for "Alright kid, void your bowels." Common mistake, we can't blame her. Just the other day someone said to me "My favourite colour is rainbow." and I punched them in the shirt because I thought they said that I had a big adams apple.

I truly believe that in the spirit of the bowl cut, Dave's mom decided to try out the muffin tray. And I have one word for it. Success! I plan to rock this style for my wedding. Not that I plan to be married anytime soon. Nor do I even have any prospects, for that matter. Hey, a girl can dream. Y'ah don't rain on my parade. You'll ruin my floats.

I am awarding 10 bonus points to Dave Penis Head for her fantastic turtle neck bought from Northern Getaway. You truly are the poster child for ugly childhood photos. And for that, I thank you. Let's give it up for PhDave.

Dave Christmas Broach
...Or is that food?

See Dave's extra chromosome.

There are so many things wrong with this photo. Despite what I may look like, I am not actually mentally handicapped. In fact, some might call me a genius. It doesn't matter who, okay, people say that. Yes it still counts if it's my dad.

Aside from the lazy eyes and hair crusted to my face in what I'm sure is probably ketchup, I think Dave Christmas Broach is pretty cute in a put me out of my misery kind of way.

"Hey mom, check out how cute I look. Don't you think I look cute?"
"No, Dave."

Dave is hungry for a Baby Ruth.




Dave is about to eat your soul.

 No, this is not the kid from the Omen. Trust me, I checked.

I don't even know where to start. Everything about this picture is absolutely terrifying. If this was my child, I would probably take him "out for ice cream" and then leave him in the woods. What? I'd leave him with a pack of wieners and a book of crossword puzzles. I'm not a complete monster, people.

I'm going to give you the back story on Dave People Eater. He was tragically struck and killed by a truck. His father, overwhelmed with grief, decided to bury little Dave Monster Face in the near by pet cemetery. Even though Father Monster Face knew that his son would come back from the dead as an evil Monster Face, he still did it anyway. Way to be, Papa MF. Little Dave's hobbies include having glowing yellow eyes, hanging out with his bestfriend Black Kitty Monster Face, stabbing people with a scalpel and freaking me the fuck out.

Seriously, are his teeth filed into points? This shits gonna give me nightmares.

Dave Laser beam

Do you think someone was jingling keys to get his attention?

Let's first take a look at the sweater. Are those Easter eggs? Or are they mountains? Whatever it is, it's a party in the part of my brain that controls colour. You know, near the back, behind and below your temples. Okay, so I copied that part from a Harvard website. Who actually knows stuff like that? But all the same, it's a kegger filled with under aged girls in my bean. And the matching turtleneck, Dave Laser beam, takes the cake.

Moving on to the hair. Looks like someone didn't go forward in time to read my blog on why sticking tweezers in a power outlet is not good for your health, nor hair. Please note, a rat tail does exist back there. But unfortunately we are not lucky enough to witness that today. I wonder if it's braided? Or is it au naturel? I have so many questions.

And of course, my personal favourite, the laser beam background. I think every single kid born before 1995 has a school picture with the laser beam background. The bookcase was a popular choice as well. They sent this picture to his grandparents with the caption "Little Dave is now attending the school of Missions Impossible. Or in outer space." And they believed it. Seriously.

Dave Skeletor

This is my only exception to the ugly kid blog post. The exception being that this is in fact one of the cutest pictures I've ever seen.

So, I said to Dave Skeletor, "Is this your third birthday? There are 3 candles on your birthday pie." and she responded with "I don't know. We could have very well not been able to afford more than 3 candles on my sixth birthday."

Being raised as a poor child definitely causes you to grow up a more interesting, well rounded individual, who values the simple things in life.
"Holy apple slices, a two dollar bill!? I can buy a box of nerds and some stale Dubble Bubble from the laundromat. I wonder what kind of a pickle Pud has gotten himself into this time."