SEX

Hello. I'm sorry I have been neglecting you. Don't look at me like that. You know you're my everything. But listen. We need to talk. I think we've gotten to the point in our relationship where we need to spice things up.
SEX
Do you feel spiced? Good. They don't call me Chelsey 'Spices Up Relationships' Martin for nothing.

Instructions:
Step One: Youtube 'Let's talk about sex' by Salt 'N Peppa.
Step Two: Listen to 'Let's talk about sex' by Salt 'N Peppa.

Sex is a funny thing. I believe with such pleasure comes big responsibility. I don't know about you, but I definitely don't want to get pregnant or get the AIDS. But to each his own, right?
I think it should be mandatory to have a sexual history resume. "Oh, you slept with her? I heard she slept with that one guy and got the clap." Wouldn't that be so much easier? But no, we have to learn the hard way. "Oh no, he slept with that girl who slept with that one guy, and now I have the clap." Sticky situation.

You could just not have sex. Sounds simple, right? WRONG. I'm no doctor, but I've heard if you don't use it, you lose it. And that's a risk I am not willing to take.
Sometimes I feel that I would be a lot more comfortable in a full body condom, like in Naked Gun. Leslie Nielson makes that thing look good. But I have a feeling that I would lose a little bit of sex appeal. You don't think so? Aren't you just a precious gem.

Have I told you how much I love you today?

So equipped with my full body condom, out on the prowl I go. And when I say out on the prowl, of course I mean talk about running trains on hot dudes and do absolutely nothing, because if I do, I'm THAT girl at the party. I don't understand why society won't just let me get my bang on. As a single gal, I would like to get a little somethin' somethin' on occasion. What's a girl to do? Dear Double Standards; I hate you. Yours Truly, C Sparkle.

What's the deal with old people having sex?

So, I've accepted the fact that I probably won't be doing the nasty until I'm in a committed relationship. Which is absolutely fine by me. Yep. I mean, what is sex with someone you don't love anyways? AWESOME. That's what. I fucking hate my life.

Maybe I'll be extra good in this life so I can come back as Justin Bieber's son. I'm going to get so much poon it doesn't even make sense. But I'll probably end up being a gay. You know, cause I'm Justin Bieber's son and all. That's a given.

This probably wasn't the sexy blog you were hoping for, was it? Oh snap, I made you read the whole thing. You're most likely dumber now. If I can make one person dumber each day, my mission in life is complete. Help me reach my goal.