Chapter 7: Cheating is my niche

Nikki Chapin. I like the way you inhale the leap.


I used to cheat at pogs. Alright, I used to cheat at a lot of games. Okay! You caught me. I still cheat at most things. Board games, drinking games, pogs, tests, boyfriends, mini-putt, marbles, bakugans, society, death, etc. But I have the after cheat guilt, where I will most likely tell you that I've cheated, and let you partake in a cheat to ease my conscience. I am, in fact, a cheater cheater pumpkin eater. I literally eat pumpkin for every meal.

I had the longest pog tube that money could buy. (I think, I don't know, I was like seven. And it's a well known fact that seven year olds are stupid.) I'd walk around at recess thinking I was THE SHIT. Don't mess with me and mah mad pog skills! And when I say mad pog skills, of course I mean mad cheating skills. I'd play for no less than 6 pogs at a time. For keepsies. I would set half of them upside down when you weren't looking, so when I smacked them with my slammer, they would just fall over. Would you look at that, I won 4 out of your 6 pogs. Oh snap. I was "Pog Ballin'" if you will, until that fateful day when I was hanging up my coat in the cubby area, when my tube of pogs slipped through my fingers. I think you can guess what happened next. Someone yelled "SCRAMBLE!"
I knew that was karma right there. Note to self; you shouldn't have eaten that popcorn during recess in the tube by yourself. Another note to self; get more friends. One more note to self; maybe you'd have more friends if you stopped wearing turtlenecks.

If you ever find yourself playing Monopoly with me, and I insist on being the banker; just know that I plan to cheat. Remember when you go to the bathroom, you'll probably come back with 4 properties missing. I will most likely try to sell them back to you. If you are the banker and you leave the tray on the floor, I have every intention of walking by and trying to pick up money with my feet. I'll buy you a hotel and lull you into a false sense of security. And then BAM. 6 hours later, I'll win that game of Monopoly. You won't even know what hit you. Until the inevitable happens, me confessing my endless amount of cheats. I will say you win by default.

I also lie. About very insignificant things. Sometimes I lie to be agreeable. "Yeah, this song blows chunks. Wait, this is one of my favourite songs." or "I hate butter tarts." an hour later, "I don't know why I said I hate butter tarts. I actually really like butter tarts."
When I was little, I'd make up stories to my mom to make myself sound interesting. "This kid Joey in my class, died today. He died right in class." She never led on that she didn't believe me.
"My dad's cousin is former Prime Minister Paul Martin. No I'm not lying. Seriously, who would lie about something like that?"

Trust that I am being extremely honest right now. All of the things I have written thus far, have been in complete and utter honesty. Do I mind outing my bad habits? No way! You'll still like me, right? I believe on the grand scheme of bad habits, mine aren't THAT bad. It's not like I'm dealing meth to children, or killing people. And 9 out of the 10 times I tell a lie, I'll admit it eventually.

So everyone, rest assured that at some point in our relationship, I have probably told you at least a dozen pointless lies.
"My dad has heat vision."