Chapter 3: Just because tweezers are the same shape as a power outlet, does not mean you should stick them in.

IT'S BLOGGING TIME! That's like t shirt time, but for nerds.


May I just say before I delve into this informative chapter, that this has been the weekend from fucking hell. As some of you know, Friday night, I got into a gang war with T Pain. Or I dove into the pavement. Either way, I came out with a black eye. Trust when I say, that this black eye has gotten worse. But, it's just a black eye, right? So, I spend Saturday nursing my damaged liver, getting more and more purple around the eye, and trying to accept myself as the fool I am. But Sunday is a new day! Gorgeous day to go Canada's Wonderland for Halloween Haunt. You better believe we were pumped as shit. Nice little group of four. Perfect. Until someone bails. We search for someone else all day before we just accept the fact that, we may be three, but we're damn well going. We have a fantastic ride there, everyone picking their favourite jams (so hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya kids, hide ya wife), drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes. You know, all the things cool kids do.


So we're in Vaughan, on Rutherford, right in front of the Canada's Wonderland entrance. Our light turns green. Green means go. We go. Get t-boned. 3 car collision. No one was seriously injured, but one coffee per person equals exploding coffee everywhere. We have a crunched in car that is a total write off, wait hours for the cops to show up, get screwed by a towing company, and no frigging Wonderland. I've come to the conclusion that Wonderland is not so wonderful for me at all. We drove to Toronto for a car accident. Worst weekend ever.


Anywho.


Hello my friends, and thank you for joining me for Chapter 3: Just because tweezers are the same shape as a power outlet, does not mean you should stick them in.


After my stint with sweet sweet baby kitty, I had a new lease on life. 'I need to change myself.' I thought. 'Get some direction.' But how does one Chelsey A Martin at the tender age of 4, change one's life? I could invent something? No, the best thing I invented was mustard on mashed potatoes. I called it shon-da-la-shon-sohn. I couldn't see that catching on. I could start a club! But my only friends were an ant hill at the side of my house. And I don't think ants make much of a club. I've got it. Experiments. What will happen if I get on this freshly painted bathroom counter, (you guessed it, mummers was catching some z's) turn on the tap, stick my barbie underneath, stick my barbie in the paint, and then fling my barbie all over the place? I'll tell ya what will happen, moms is going to blow her top. So don't try that.
"Chelsey, why are your knees white?"  "I fell down and skinned them."  Close, but no cigar.


So I had to think outside of the box. Dig deep. And then, I had an epiphany. For one to have an epiphany the magnitude of which I had, on that very special day, is extremely rare. ...Tweezers... are the same shape... as a power outlet. It blew my mind. How had no one thought of this before? Oh, if you could have just seen me then. I felt as though my life had so much purpose. And that purpose, was to stick the tweezers... right in the power outlet.


I have never quite felt the same sensation as I had on that fateful day of early June. (I don't actually know when it was, I just made that up.) The tweezers melted half way down, I blew the circuit in pretty much every room upstairs, and I had a bigger afro than every member of the Black Panthers combined. It's safe to say that I abandoned all experiments from that day forward.


I decided to take up arson and credit card fraud instead.